schizophrenia? reeeallyyy?
trying to let my diagnosis sink into my brain feels terrifying. like that's really me? i knew it, i've been knowing for years... but at the same time i really didn't want to believe it. but i really needed help.
why do i have to suffer? why did my illness become a cool quirky thing to "want"? i'm in hell, dude. schizophrenia and bipolar— or, you know, also known as "schizoaffective" is just one of the worse things to even pair together.
i'm scared, i'm really scared that i won't be the same anymore. it sucks even more i can't talk about this with anyone since i'm the "self aware" "sentient" type. so no one believes me, let alone takes me seriously because i look "normal". (but what even is normal??)
no one talks about the loss of memory. no one talks about how you lose the ability to speak like a normal human being. those things are totally glazed across from let alone mentioned in general. when you say you're schizophrenic, people will generalize you with stuff like "oh, you see people that aren't there? you hear things? you're a total evil psychopath??" like dude... no...
my emotions had always been flat and when i was younger i always wondered why. i thought it was alexithymia, but now i know it's just the schizophrenia side of my illness. why does no one talk about the little to flat emotions? disorganized speech and thoughts? the amnesia/forgetfulness?
lately it's been hard to even form a sentence without forgetting what word goes next. it even bled through my thoughts. as of right now, i'm struggling a bit typing this. if i don't make sense sometimes... my bad. i hope i can fix it before it gets worse.
i wonder if i'll be able to live normally someday. i wonder if i'll be loved like this, because i feel like it's not worth the hassle. impossible to be loved like this... i hope i'm wrong. loving others is my favorite thing to do so i hope there are people to reciprocate it.
i woke up today feeling more empty than usual.
it's the crash after mania. i haven't felt this way in a while. but as per usual... i know it'll go away sooner than later. it always had. (thank you past me for journaling everything) but still. this one feels a little different. i usually run on 3 or 4 hours of sleep (thanks, mania). but for a few days now, i'm not really tired as per usual, but i just don't wanna be here right now. so i'm going to sleep at 12 or 1am (i know, that still sounds bad... but my normal is usually at 4 or 5am) but this morning i felt like nothing. like a blank husk. i didn't even speak until a few hours later after i woke up.
and the person i love to death... they're honestly... not all that anymore. i don't feel that pull towards them anymore. not on the same intensity. honestly, they're making me mad. just a bit. i hope it's just this illness, i don't want to hate you, you know? even if my brain wants to disagree with me... i refuse to dislike you.
but it's okay, i still welcome everyone with a smile. no one has to know, because if they do, they're going to blame everything on me and call me a liar.
i still love you despite it all :^) spread joy