loving like tomorrow is a given
my third blog /ᐠ｡ꞈ｡ᐟ\ ~~
a few days ago i stumbled upon an article on substack1 (go take a read, it's a very well worded article!!) and i couldn't help but ponder on it for a while. why do people seem to love you in the future, but not in present tense? stuff like "when i'm a better person", "we'll go at a later time", "i look forward to doing this with you"— i've heard way too often. can't we just love now instead of putting it off to the side indefinitely?
are you even willing to love me?
if you're not, why would you give me false hope for "later"? because my days will be me wishing your words will eventually come true, so when the "day" comes, i'll just be... disappointed, really. because why would you make me anticipate for something when you never intended for it to come true?
each time you hesitate, each time you keep putting "love" off, it'll bury the flame on its own. and then there's no one else to blame but yourself... if you even cared in the first place, maybe.
i feel like i wish too much, as well. half of my thoughts and life are lived inside of my own head. i'm creating an ideal world (especially with you), that i know that will never happen. i suppose it's okay, because at least i know they are delusions.
but never mind all that.
reading that article i realized i've been loving others in present tense. when something happens, i'm here to congratulate you, or comfort you right away. when i think of you, i send you a random message. when i see something exciting to do, i let you know right away— "oh, let's do this, it's in a week so we should go" and i will commit to that plan because i love showing others how much i care, even if they love me in the future.
maybe it's because i'm ill. maybe it's because i know my life is probably significant shorter than others. maybe it's because i know life is incredibly short to be putting others off. why should i, or anyone— wait to show their love? we are all here in present time, waiting to be loved, so why not give it out if you're thinking of it? why are you hesitating?
no such thing as "later", because you're not promised later. if i'm not here to receive your "promised love", then what? why couldn't you show me love when you had the chance?