death, grief, and understanding
it's been about 2 months. i always thought i would be different regarding death and that it wouldn't have much of a toll on me since it never did in the past... but it was such a rough time that it didn't really feel like me.
i originally made this blog following the death of a close friend, and an artist i truly loved. it made me put everything into perspective... truly felt like i was reborn into a new mindset. i was never that pessimistic where it got into my way of living, but now i just feel so different regarding aspects of life. following their death, i wanted to cherish everything i had.
like "damn, no... it's crazy how people can just be taken out of anyone's life like that."
after that, i had a need to tell everyone they're loved by me (or someone), and that you are very cherished by someone, and your life isn't for naught. following this lifestyle you really see how much people are affected by negativity. why? why think that way? i get it, life isn't all sunshine and rainbows, everyone knows that, but not realizing the good is also as absurd. having one good thing to look forward to is better than none, right?
for me, as i mentioned before, i don't have any goals or aspirations. but what makes me want to keep going is the absurdity of life. it's so unpredictable that i'm too curious to end it off short. also, i want to be able to see my friends. i want to wake up and hope for another day to hang out again.
the death of you was also my own death
i'm not sure whether to continue feeling sad or to feel thankful... but after grieving around for a while, i get it now. i get what my purpose could be. things are too short to be moping around or being such a pessimist. it's selfish to not put things into perspective. no one has to agree or follow my perspective, as i feel like everyone's mindset will differ in some aspects even if the gist is the same. this is just my calling.
but maybe this is also fear. i wish i talked more to him, wish i said "hi" more often. i feel like a bad person for not providing a little more, but i know you shouldn't beat yourself up over something like this. i am just a human and there's nothing else i could've done to prevent something like that. but i still feel bad. (and that's ok... as long as you know you're not to blame.) so, yeah. perhaps it is the fear of losing someone that i'm starting to see things this way. but it's better like this than how i used to be.
i'm not sure when i'll share this blog with my friends and acquaintances, but just know i really love you. i'm sorry i couldn't provide much besides a simple hello or the occasional gift. i'm really sorry. i can't change the past and how i used to act, but just know i loved you throughout our years. i'm extremely awkward, stupid, shy, distant... but i was never repulsed nor did i hate anyone. i didn't know how to deal with myself yet. i'm still learning how to live "normally", so i hope my future relationships are better. at some point, you were part of a highlight in my life, never a passing thought. if you wrote me letters, don't worry, i kept it all. same with all the gifts. i look back on it from time to time. my heart to you, i cherish you all. (same with you stranger, hi)
so i thank you all for the past experiences, and i hope we cross paths naturally in the future. and rest in peace, my friend. i understand it all now
also, i made a place where you can send me letters! feel free to contact me here!