about time something good happened
i think it's better if i blogged at the end of the day, just so i can prevent myself from spamming multiple blogs in a single day. but i'm not entirely sure if i'd even adhere to that. likely not. haha. my thoughts are so overwhelming... it's hard to contain most of them, even if half are later lost to the void.
well, now that's out of the way,
i am finally medically diagnosed as (bipolar) schizoaffective. (with some other stuff, but that's not important, now!) i'm genuinely very happy that i had the opportunity to be diagnosed. i'm not happy about the illness itself (since i've had it for many, many years, and it's treated me very badly) but rather the fact i finally feel seen. somewhere. years of being ignored, years of being accused i was lyingβ overdramatic, and years of being denied anything... a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders a week ago.
i wanted to do another evaluation, which is in a few weeksβ before i start medication... but honestly? i am very afraid that it will do the opposite of what i want it to do. what if i lose myself even further?
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my fear is to lose myself completely.
i already feel like i'm half gone. i haven't felt truly alive, but that's been true for a while, now. sorry i... feel like my entire blog will either be depressing or words that can't be grasped by the average human. that can't be empathized or sympathized by others. i know i'm not alone, that'd be stupid to believe, but everyone around me makes me feel subhuman.
but even if i feel this way, it seems like this is also my motivation to keep on going. the absurdity of it all, the thing that calls itself "life" and how abnormal it is, it makes me overly curious. it makes me want to see how much i can experience. it sounds a bit insane, but my lack of care about anything makes me want to live. i don't have aspirations, or any dreams, but i suppose i have a little motivation. just a bit. and that is to have fun with friends. i don't have a lot, but i want to cherish everything with them.
i hope there's someone out there that stumbles on my blog and finds solace in my words. if you do, just know you are not alone. there's someone else (me) that's also struggling with... thoughts like these. i hope i can stop some stigmatization, especially with schizophrenia and derealization disorders. that'd make me happy.